Jeffrey Toolbin to moderate final Presidential Debate
New York, NY - Tool News Service According to the news wire, Jeffrey Toolbin has been promoted by The New Yorker and appointed as the moderator for the final Presidential Debate. Jeffrey “tool†Toobin has selected Michael Jackson’s Beat It as the…41% of passing cars are black, observes Statistics Canada intern from dining room table
New Statistics Canada staff member Dwayne Nixon observed yesterday that more than two-fifths of cars passing his dining room window between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. were black, far exceeding the previous daily high of 24% recorded 56 days…Man Didn't Really Feel Like It Very Much Today
A man who had taken about as much as he could possibly take - and maybe even a little bit more - has said that, as far as employment matters go, he simply just could not be bothered today. "I know it sounds unprofessional," said a jaded-looking Mo…You Don't Hear Anything About Elvis Presley These Days
It's funny how, during the 1950s, 1960s, and some of the 1970s, the name of Elvis Presley was never far from anyone's lips. The singer and actor was inescapable. He recorded countless singles and albums, sang to packed houses everywhere he went, and…Biden Receiving Juvenile Chimpanzee Blood Plasma Before Debate
BILLINGSGATE POST: If Sleepy Joe comes out swinging from a vine before the debate tomorrow night, don’t be surprised. The secret is out. He is receiving chimpanzee blood plasma transfusions this week to rejuvenate himself. Crack investigative r…Las Vegas Job Waiting For Trump After White House
With a no-kill switch or mute button at Donald Trump’s next job, (should he be willing to accept it) there's a one-hour opening act for headline performers, blasting away and slandering whomever he wishes, church, science, allies, newscasters, women,…Biden pardons son in advance of winning the presidency
CBS News has just released intimate details of a new plan by Mr. Biden, who is running for the office of President of the United States. “It is very clear I am going to win,†Mr. Biden has said, from behind a double-masked lower face. Wearing t…Trump Goes to Church With Hope Hicks â€" Where The Hell is Melania?
LAS VEGAS â€" (Satire News) - The Las Vegas Roulette Gazette newspaper is reporting that the president did something that he has not done in 6 years. He actually set foot in a church. Trump attended Our Lady of The Roulette Wheel in downtown Las Veg…(NOT EDITED) Belgians renowned for their superb tasting beers, BURP, have decided to give away all of it to any foreign Nutters daring to enter their wonderful country because of another lockdown. However, there are a few minor pieces of criteria…
Zoom rolls out new worry-free masturbation feature, makes pork-pulling look like note-taking
Zoom, the popular online video conferencing company, announced today a new feature with advanced artificial intelligence to let users masturbate without fussing with their camera and microphone settings, making it appear as if they are furiously tak…To all the Marxist revolutionaries - you’ve got an image problem. Here are a list of all the losing strategies in use that engender the same hatred towards you, that you have against all others: Before we get to the list, it should be noted that t…
A rape victim who dialled 911 when the man whose house she was visiting unexpectedly raped her, but got the house number wrong because she had never been there before, and was suffering from PTSD from the attack, was yesterday convicted of murder, wh…
Man Says He'd Like To Rip President Trump's Head Off, And Shit Down His Throat
A man who has become completely fed up of news about the US presidential election, and so entirely disillusioned with the state of politics in general, and American politics in particular, has said that, if the opportinity ever arose, he'd very much…Toobin's Erection Stimulation Error
Jeffrey Toobin, famed legal analyst for CNN has been allowed to take time off from the job of belittling Trump to tend to “a small personal matter†says the network. The incident that sparked the trouble occurred during a CNN election show rehear…You Can't Polish A Turd But You Can Polish Where It's Been!
A top engineer that designed residential hoovers for Dyson and Henry, was shocked to discover his latest invention had been mocked and ridiculed by his peers. After a 40-year career that started with Kirby, John Edgar was without an income and almost…CRACKERHEAD, Georgia â€" (Satire News) â€" The president spoke before a totally maskless crowd of 218 supporters, who cheered his every word, including 7 times when he sneezed, and 73 times when he coughed. One front row audience member was overheard…
HOLLYWOOD â€" (Celebrity Satire) â€" Professional dancers Derek Hough and his girlfriend Hayley Erbert blew away the entire troupe of DWTS’s dancers. Bedroom Pillow Talk’s Carolina Chipotle said that it was the best dance performance she had ever seen…
San Antonio Spurs Assistant Coach Becky Hammon is Being Courted For an NBA Head Coaching Job
NEW ORLEANS â€" (Sports Satire) â€" According to ESPN-4, the word out of the Big Easy is that the New Orleans Pelicans are considering Spurs assistant coach Becky Harmon for the head coach job. Pelicans owner Gayle Benson, stated that she has checked…The Zak-Less Dallas Cowboys Play Hapless
DALLAS â€" (Sports Satire) â€" It has been a long time since an NFL team missed a player the way the Cowboys are missing quarterback, Dak Prescott. The Cowpokes poked along at the start of the game, and kept to their habitual gameplan of taking out th…Megyn Kelly Insults Kamala Harris and Then Gets Her Lily-White Butt Handed to Her
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" CNN says that former television news show host Megyn Kelly is trying extremely hard to become relevant again, but she is falling flat on her frumpy, frowning face. Kelly, who once said that the tooth fairy was gay,…Donald Trump To Star In Christmas Pantomime
There was great excitement amongst amateur thespians this morning when it was revealed that outgoing president, Donald Trump, has been asked to take the leading part in a major Broadway pantomime production for the New York festive season, and beyond…Suicidal Nutter jumps off Beachy Head and survives!
Ageing Jo Johnson, a 69-year-old pensioner from Erith, Kent, was so pissed off with Covid, Brexit, Manchester United losing, and Jose Mourinho's constant whingeing, he decided enough was enough. Last Sunday evening, he left his humble abode, a 4…Man now experimenting with Enya and Lighthouse Family albums
Man about town Raymond Ving has begun to experiment with the hardcore heavy metal stylings of Enya and the Lighthouse Family. 'My girlfriend, Emma, walked out on me after I replaced my Led Zeppelin albums with the collected works of Cliff Richard.Lara Trump Has Just Become The Meanest, Cruelest, Most Hateful Bitch in the Entire USA
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Just when millions of people thought that no one could ever be meaner, nastier, and have more hate in their heart than Donald Trump, along comes his fake, blonde-haired daughter-in-law from Hell, Lara Trump. The 38-…Pele Invites Cristiano Ronaldo To Self-Quarantine in His $14.7 Million Brazilian Mansion
SAO PAULO, Brazil â€" (Sports Satire) â€" One of the world’s most famous soccer players, Pele, recently spoke with Cristiano Ronaldo who plays with Juventus. Sports Balls Illustrated Magazine reports that Pele, who is the president of the Sao Paulo R…Justin Bieber’s Popularity Skyrockets Since His Appearance on Saturday Night Live
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Fox News is reporting that, since appearing on "Saturday Night Live", Justin Bieber's popularity has tripled. The Canadian singer’s record sales surpassed Nicki Minaj’s, Lady Gaga’s, and even the Trumpapalooza Ass K…Kirstie Alley is Catching Hell For Saying That She’s Voting For Donald Trump
LA BREA, California â€" (Satire News) â€" Former "Cheers" star Kirstie Alley has infuriated the Hollywood celebrity community by bragging that she is going to vote for President Trump. The 69-year-old overweight ex-actress said that she likes the Pres…It is a city of grim brick factories and grey terraced houses inhabited by simians, all dripping with constant rain. Now Manchester is more miserable than ever, with the news that it is under the tightest level of lockdown in the UK due to coronaviru…
Conor McGregor Isn't That Hard, Says Lanky, Skinny Wretch
The former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, isn't really that hard, according to a man who knows literally nothing about the subject. McGregor has just been very lucky, claims the man. "He…Bukkake World Championships Called Off Due To Health Risk
The Coronavirus, COVID-19, has cast its shadow over normality again this evening, after the dangerous risk of spreading the virus put paid to the 2020 staging of one of the most eagerly-awaited events in the Japanese social calendar - the Bukkake Wor…