Obituary: Sean Connery Discovers You Only Live Once
Sean Connery, the actor who died at the weekend, having had a long and successful career 'tramping the boards' - not least in the James Bond movies - has finally found that, contrary to popular belief, you only live once. Connery died on Saturday,…Lockdown ruining trade, say filchers
Burglars, petty thieves, filchers and citizens generally accustomed to purloining for a living have had enough. They are to strike as of next Tuesday. "It's getting ridiculous", said Bob Loot, Chairman of the League of Crooks and Pilferers, "peopl…Terminator Creator Reveals Idea For Story Came From Time Traveller From The Future
James Cameron, the creator of the 1984 blockbuster movie 'The Terminator', starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, has confessed that the brilliant idea for the story came from a totally unexpected source. The concept, says Cameron, which is almost beyon…Sean Connery James Bond Comeback Shelved
There was a major disappointment for James Bond fans at the weekend, when the proposed comeback of Sean Connery as 007 had to be abandoned when the actor gave up his ghost. Connery, 90, had starred in Bond adventures since he was a small boy, and,…Biden replaces himself with Fauci as candidate for the presidency
“As soon as I lit that rocket, I knew it had to soar further,†Mr. Biden said, right after closing a rally in Ohio. He had just told fans at the rally that he would “hire Mr. Fauci and fire Mr. Trump.†Then came his further brainstorm. Cont…Living in natural surroundings can sometimes be a place with hazardous slip-ups. Treading in cow's poo, running over farm cats, a house filled with unwanted lodgers called spiders, trees dropping their glorious autumn leaves, among many other disadva…
Portrait wins first prize but not public approval
A popular portrait artist has won an.exhibition despite most visitors expressing negative comments about it. The painting, by Norbert Waddell, was an unusual portrait of a local MP wearing nothing but a fur coat while holding a number 6 spanner. T…Every Presidential Poll Shows That President Trump’s Ass is Toast
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Most of the reputable US political polls are showing that President Trump’s ass is toast, to use a popular southern cooking term. The Quintessential Poll, one of the most reputable polls n the nation, is going as fa…FBI Estimates 31 Million Russians in US
WASHINGTON DC - Early in the 2016 Election Year, US Intelligence Agencies began investigations for Russian influence. Democrats often blame the Hillary Presidential Election Loss on CIA incompetence. Initially, the most convincing evidence for Donald…Global Warming: Man’s Seasonal Depression Worse Every Year
A local man announced on Monday that he feels his seasonal depression gets worse and worse every year, and scientists say this is yet another effect of global warming. Michael Blackstone, 31, says that his depression is most severe when daylight…WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" Many of the nation's news agencies are saying that most of President Trump’s staff are clearly seeing the writing on the wall, and are already starting to pack. They say the staffers want to get ahead of the let’…
Trump To Declare Victory Moment He’s One Vote Ahead
It has been made clear (by Donald Trump) that Donald Trump is planning to declare victory as soon as he is one vote ahead in the count on November 3rd. That could happen well before the polls close in California and before the votes are certified.CORN SHUCK, Iowa â€" (Satire News) â€" President Trump, hot on his Campaign of Hate Tour, spoke before a paltry crowd of 92 people in Corn Shuck, Iowa, home of nothing but cornfields and corn farmers. He told the audience that corn is his most favorit…
Man Is Always Right, Even When He Isn't
It's been revealed how a writer who has a short fuse and a quick temper, and who regularly gets into arguments with people who don't agree with him, is always right, even when he's wrong. The man, John Lesson, could start an argument in an empty h…President Trump Hatched Mexican Wall Idea After Reading About Hadrian's Wall
As we reach the critical point in the US presidential campaign, and possibly the decline of politics as we know it, it's been claimed that President Donald Trump first hatched the idea of a 'Mexican Wall' after first reading a story about Hadrian's W…Movie Fan Has Seen 'Leon' Four Times In The Last Month
Watching movies is a perfect way to relax for some people, who settle down on the couch in the evening with something to eat and drink, and - perhaps - some 'company'. But when the movie is one you've seen before, the fun can go out of the experie…Yoyoing is now accepted as the only sport Manchester United can win anything playing!
(NOT EDITED) After their rather sad and pathetic attempts to kick a ball in any form of forward movement, the Manchester United manager, Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, has decided to abolish his diamond-shaped-tactics and teach his multi-millionaire-footy-stars…Mr Richard Head, also known as Dick, has formed a new political party to fight against Covid-19 lockdowns. “It’s an Englishman’s right to associate with whomsoever and wherever he wishes. My association with Miss Potts of Lavender Cottages was purely…
(NOT EDITED) A Big Brother, born in 1984, not 1980, who oversees every single grammatic mistake written by moronic 'Spoofers' who cannot write 'correct' English has decided, "enough is enough!" Big Brother now demands an 'on-line' university entra…
Trump To Declare Victory Election Night
Donald Trump, the national screw up, plans to declare victory on election night even before the total number of votes are counted. Networks are planning to go black if he attempts this, or to continue with their round table discussions, ignoring Trum…Cardi B Says North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Has a Big Crush on Her
BRONX, New York â€" (Satire News) â€" Rapper Cardi B recently confided to Andy Cohen with the Bravo Network, that the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, has the hots for her. The rap artist said that she received a text message from the North Korean…PHILADELPHIA â€" (Sports Satire) â€" Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that watching his team lose to the Philadelphia Eagles 23-9, was like watching a high school football game, what with all the trick plays his team used. He pointed out to Hercu…
Pelosi's “Biden will be president whatever the vote count†clarified as emission vs. sedition
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has ripped open a new controversy on who might be fiddling with election results. Last Thursday, she stated that Mr. Biden will be president come next January 21, “whatever the vote count.†The key considerat…Vice-President Mike Pence Confesses That Even if Trump Wins, He is Going to Retire
WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" According to GOPicky Magazine, Vice-President Mike Pence has commented that he is so fed up with the mean, racist, hate-filled rhetoric of President Trump, that he plans to retire - even if Trump wins. Cahoots Wy…Spanner-wielding crim strikes in Slovakia
The capital of Slovakia, Bratislava, today witnessed an unusual crime when a grocery shop was robbed by a spanner wielding thief intent on snaring the day's takings. The hooded individual was believed to be carrying a number eight spanner, and, in…Editor Criticized By 'Writer' For Editing
The editor of a satirical news website has been severely reprimanded for his behavior whilst carrying out his duties, by one of the site's writers who is, judging by the colorful language he used, upset. Moys Kenwood, of TheSpoof.com, has been add…Fly Face Predicts Trump Victory By A Gnat’s Ass
BILLINGSGATE POST: Fly Face, who has successfully predicted the outcome of every election since Patrice Emery Lumumba was elected as the first Prime Minister of the independent Democratic Republic of the Congo in 1960, now predicts that Donald Tru…Norwegian village to allow spanners
People living in a small village in Norway have lifted a ban on number 12 spanners that had been in place for twenty-seven years. The restriction was introduced to stop foreign workers using the tool in contravention of the Norwegian constitution.Man Finds Strange Coincidence In Book
There was an extraordinary coincidence this morning, when a man reading a book noticed that the date on which events in the story were taking place, were doing so on 1 November, which was said to be a Sunday - just exactly as it is today, Sunday, the…Popular Etsy vendor Fashion Forward announced, yesterday, a product called The Barrier, "a bold and stylish bodysuit designed to swathe you in a cotton-spandex blend for comfort and complete safety from both the coronavirus and everybody on the other…