Man Thinks That All Things Are Relative
A man who thinks a lot has said that all the things we consider to be 'better' than other things are not really 'better', but merely 'different'. They appear to be better, but, to him, everything is the same. For example, claims Moys Kenwood, 57:…
Mouse Ran Over Sleeper's Arm
There's nothing as annoying as being rudely awakened in the middle of the night by some noise or other from outside in the street, but that wasn't the case for one man in the very early hours of this morning, when he was wrenched from his slumbers by…
Nietzsche Didn't Know What He Was On About, Claims Man
The 19th-Century German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, is at the centre of a mild controversy tonight, after a man who attempted to read his book, 'Beyond Good and Evil', claimed that he hadn't got the faintest idea what he was talking about. T…
Liverpool Fans Left Anfield Early 'To Avoid Traffic'
It was a landmark moment at the weekend when fans were finally allowed back into football stadiums for he first time after nine long months of Coronavirus behind-closed-doors matches, but that didn't stop some fans reverting to their normal behaviour…
Food Vendors Formed Around Motorcycle Accident
Sometimes, you think you've seen everything, but then you see something to make you realize you haven't, and that was exactly the case earlier today when a man who thought he had seen everything, saw something else to make him realize he hadn't. A…
Trump Mistakenly Pardons Hunter Biden
The White House, Washington, D. C. - Overwhelmed by an enormous pile of pardons for members of his family, numerous aides, and some really bad guys, President Donald Trump inadvertently signed one for Biden Hunter, the son of President-elect Joe Bide…
Experience: the Covid Vaccine gave me a 12-inch Erection
It's certainly one in the eye for those anti-vaxxer idiots! Just imagine how they will be queuing up for it now! I’m talking, of course, of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine. I was one of the 20,000 volunteers given the vaccine in its trials - after a…
Greta Thunberg Cosmetic Surgery Rumors Untrue
Rumors of Greta Thunberg getting “green, sustainable†breast implants aren’t true. She released a statement saying she supported all people getting whatever plastic surgery they wanted, as long as it was environmentally friendly, and used no petro-ch…
I'm Pulling Alexa's Plug
Covina, CA. Exclusive to Rolling Stone, Variety, Billboard and The Spoof. I'm fed up with Alexa. I didn't even want an Alexa, never heard of her until my son installed her in every room in my house. "It's a safety measure," he said, "since you…
Justices Offer to Hand Over Presidency to Trump if Ted Cruz Promises to Stay Away From Supreme Court Building
Washington - All nine members of the United States Supreme Court signed a legal brief agreeing to reverse the results of the Presidential election, providing that President Trump and the state of Texas withdraw their threat of subjecting the panel to…
Anti-Vaccine Lout Claims Vaccine Contains Chip
A news report about the UK roll-out of the Coronavirus vaccine in London earlier today, contained what is being described as a "potentially damaging theory", after a long-haired lout said he would be resisting any government orders to be vaccinated b…
Extraterrestrial Galactic Federation Meets With President Trump
BILLINGSGATE POST: Haim Eshed, a former chief of the Israel Defense Ministry’s space directorate, says that extraterrestrials from a Galactic Federation have been in contact with him, that President Trump is aware of this, and was previously "on the…
Courage Saving Our Country, Says Trump
Trump calls for “Courage to save the country.†Huh? By saving the country, Trump means to overturn a lawful election that he lost because of his incompetence, and that was won by President-elect Joe Biden. This from the same guy who had the…
Ole Solskjaer mistook Leipzig for Dresden! He thought he could 'bomb' the place!
(NOT EDITED) Last night Manchester United's manager failed to inspire his 'troops' into immediate action, so Jaggedone and his CIA (cockroach Infiltration Army) have recorded Ole's epic pre-match talk before the awful, soggy-fish encounter. The re…
Man Told Tuk Tuk Driver To Go And Fuck Himself
A tuk tuk driver who persistently pestered a man walking through a town center, asking him where he was going and whether or not he wanted to travel in comfort, was rounded upon by the man, and told, in no uncertain terms, to go and fuck himself.
Lonely old f*ck takes jab for stipend; offers other arm for further scientific research
News of the Covid-19 vaccination process now indicates it is a two-stage process, jabs one month apart. Women are warned that infertility may accompany the vaccination during this two-month period. Also, a certain amount of discomfort, or pain…
President Trump Is Having 9,000 Covid Vaccines Shipped to The White House
WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" A source inside the White House has said that Pfizer Pharmaceuticals will be shipping the first vaccines out of their factory to the White House. The unnamed source said that he actually saw the purchase order th…
The Dallas Cowboys Dumpster Fire Continues
BALTIMORE â€" (Sports Satire) â€" Millions of Cowboys fans are wondering if the ‘boys are going to win another game this year. And the one who wonders that more than anyone else, is the team owner, Jerry “Damn, I'm Stressed†Jones. Jerry's wife ha…
Hospital Porter Drops Box Of COVID-19 Vaccine
As the UK roll-out of COVID-19 vaccinations got underway in London this morning, there was a hiccup almost immediately, when a hospital porter carrying a box containing 200 phials of the lifesaving vaccine stumbled and fell, dropping his load in the…
Porn Hub Makes A Big Announcement
DETROIT â€" (Satire News) â€" The company that owns the Porn Hub website, Raging Libido, Inc., is thrilled to announce that the amount of users has increased by a whopping 815%. Adele Mizzen, a spokeswoman for the porn site, told the news media that t…
Doing Nothing Is Hard Work For Trump
At a rally in Georgia, Donald Trump announced that trying to overturn the 2020 election during the last three weeks was the hardest three weeks of work he's ever done. The audience went crazy. He didn’t lift a finger to try to stop the spread o…
The Pussy Grabber Wants To Give Himself A Pardon
The very same guy, Donald Trump, who said he likes to grab a woman by the pussy, “…and you can get away with it because you’re famous…†now wants to issue a Self Pardon. For pussy grabbing? That's old hat! He can get away with pussy-grabbing b…
Ode to 2020 called 'Currant Bun!'
(NOT EDITED) 2020 comes to an end, Bob Dylan has sold his musical rights for $300 million bucks, pandemic is still biting our arses, Brexit is pathetic, Man United too, so, here we go!! CURRANT BUN 2020 was not much fun Apres-ski morons in…
A Cocker Spaniel Finds a Box of Nude Photographs of Marilyn Monroe
WALLA WALLA, Washington â€" (Satire News) - The Seattle Exulter-Herald talked to a retired milkman, Xavier Cyclone, 67, who said that he and his dog were out in the woods, woodchuck hunting. He said his hunting dog, Puddles, a 7-year-old Cocker Span…
LeBron James Says The Los Angeles Lakers Will Be The First NBA Team to Get The C-19 Vaccine
LOS ANGELES â€" (Satire News) â€" LeBron James was thrilled beyond belief that his Los Angeles Lakers have been chosen by the Supreme Court to be the first U.S. sports team to receive the Coronavirus vaccine. James was told by Speaker-of-the-House Nan…
Movie Theater CEOs Desperate For Business Are Now Offering Lap Dances
HOLLYWOOD â€" (Satire News) â€" Executives with five major movie theater groups in the United States are stressed-out over the fact that no one is going out to movie theaters. The Herculean 14-Movie Theater Complex, in Cleveland, reported that, last w…
Source: White House Ordering Reams of Paper Shredders
The White House is said to be ordering large amounts of paper shredders and burn barrels, as it appears likely that Donald Trump will not win re-election. According to a source within the Administration, who spoke off the record, ventilators original…
Mysterious Mirrored Monolith on the Isle of Wight
On Tuesday morning, the residents of Compton were astounded to discover that the Utah monolith had appeared on their beach. The monolith that vanished from Utah, only to appear in Romania, arrived on Tuesday morning, appearing against the World Fa…
Experience: I fathered two of Boris Johnson's children
That arse Johnson is supposedly a serial shagger, but I gave him a dose of his own medicine. It was several years ago, and it went on for a while. Bozo's wife was mightily pissed off at his never-ending peccadillos, and she wanted to get her own b…
President Trump Has Become One Big Orange Ball of Stress
LOOSE WOMAN, Georgia â€" (Satire News) â€" President Trump, desperate to rake in even more money, spoke before a crowd of 1.3 million maskless supporters (his estimate), in Loose Woman, Georgia. Trump opened up with blatant lie after blatant lie, stat…
