Blog Archive

Wednesday, 30 September 2020

Reduced Milk Was Off

A liter of milk that was purchased for half its normal retail price at a local supermarket was 'off', and not fit for human consumption, claims a human who tried to consume it. The milk, which was 'Full Cream', had been selling for its regular pri…

Does this remind you of the pub on a Friday night?

Whilst watching the presidential debate between two old blokes in their seventies, with all fashioned views and remembering a better time, Stanley Bridgewater was reminded of his old Friday nights in the pub. 'I really miss those times,' said Stan…

Jaggedone sues The Eagles because they nicked his original 'Hotel California' lyrics called; Botox-Bar-California!

(NOT EDITED) The Eagles classic is a 'rip-off' of Jaggedone's most infamous poem written by him stoned out of his brains in a cinema watching Woodstock! The original text called: BOTOX-BAR CALIFORNIA gave Eagles lyric writer the idea to write their f…

Couple reading Fifty Shades of Grey for the comedy

Gary and Lorraine Johnson have revealed on their blog, and to its eleven followers, that they are now reading Fifty Shades of Grey for the comedy. 'We tried reading it seriously,' said Gary, 'but when we got to all of the sex bits, Lorraine just f…

BBC Announces "Shoutiest Chef" Competition

The BBC, long revered around the world for producing the most inane and pointless cookery shows, has announced yet another one. The show will be along the lines of its headline "Masterchef" and "Saturday Kitchen" programmes, and will feature a bun…

Men put Heating On when it's Cold study reveals

As Autumn approaches and temperatures start to wain from the record summer highs of "Cold and Damp" to a mere "Bloody Freezing", a recent study has shown that men like being warm - even big, hard northern blokes. Statistics show that at least th…

'Knock Knees' operations put on ice because of corona in Cali!

(NOT EDITED) The global medical fraternity have warned people with dodgy knees and hips that they might have to wait until 2025 to get replacements! In Cali, many virile 50-plus-ers, especially males, are worried that 'doggy style' with the missu…

Notre Dame University Has Traced the Source That Infected 40 Players with The Coronavirus

SOUTH BEND, Indiana â€" (Sports Satire) - The Indianapolis Chattering Courier newspaper is reporting that Notre Dame football coach, Brian Kelly, is shocked and highly upset that 40 of this Fighting Irish players have tested positive for C-19. The c…

No Wonder Donald Trump Can’t Spell Nobel

Few would want to refer to the President of the United States as a Windbag, but after the first debate? What a puffed up Windbag! Viewers watching the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden were reported yelling at their televis…

Emergency Car Seatbelts: How To Make One

In this latest in the 'How To Make One' series, we look at seatbelts, and how to fashion one in an emergency from things that might be lying around, so that we can avoid falling foul of traffic laws. The first thing we can use to get around those…

Trump Wants Biden Checked For Penis Pump Before Debate

BILLINGSGATE POST: Prior to leaving for Cleveland this morning to debate Sleepy Joe, President Trump told reporters that he will request that Biden be searched for a penis pump. “Something is going on down there with Joe,” pointing down to his cr…

The First Presidential Debate Turned Into an Uncontrolled Dumpster Fire

CLEVELAND â€" (Satire News) â€" The first of, hopefully, only one presidential debate finally took place, and as Jefferson Sierra with National Focus Magazine said, it was one uncontrolled dumpster fire. Moderator Chris Wallace should have had both pa…

The Russian Female Band Pussy Riot Says They’re Not Changing Their Name No Matter How Much President Trump Insists They Do

LOS ANGELES â€" (Satire News) â€" The three members of the all-girl Russian band, Pussy Riot, were recently interviewed by Tapioca Swizzle with Tittle Tattle Tonight. Swizzle asked them about the fact that President Trump is insisting that they change…

President Donald Trump Is Imploding at Warp Speed

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) - Many pundits have been predicting that the 45th president would eventually self-destruct, due to his hate-spewing personality, his addiction to golf, and his love for the likes of Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Hope…

President Trump Tells The Presidential Debate Audience That He Is Not Going To Denounce White Extremist Groups

CLEVELAND â€" (Satire News) â€" President Trump showed the entire world that he has the manners of a boa constrictor, as he threw Fox News moderator Chris Wallace’s debate rules out of the window. Trump carried on as if he was a World War II Nazi gene…

People Who Voted for Trump Thought He Would Run Country Like His Business; Unfortunately He Did

Washington - The New York Times reported over the weekend that President Donald Trump had not paid federal taxes in 11 of the last 15 years, has lost hundreds of millions in the last 20 years, and owes $400 million to banks that is coming due soon.

Sex To Be Taxed

There was grim news on the horizon this evening, when it was announced from Whitehall that, from 1 January next year, sex will become taxable. The Coronavirus has effectively put paid to British business, with manufacturing almost at a standstill,…

New England Patriots Owner Robert Kraft Is Considering Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s Offer To Purchase The Team

BOSTON â€" (Sports Satire) â€" The Boston Evening Moon newspaper is reporting that Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots, has received an offer from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to purchase the team. Kraft recently told Sports Illustrated magaz…

Flat-Earth-Believers believe the sun is God farting white hot farts into the universe!

(NOT EDITED) Global Loonies have formed a new protest for all global loonies to participate in, it's called, "Flat Friday Flatulence!" They have ordered all believers in the "Flat-Earth-Society-Conspiracy-Club' to join hands on Fridays and fart toge…

President Trump is Now The Official Spokesman for Goya Beans

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" President Trump has just announced that he has been signed to be the official national spokesman for Goya Beans. Trump made the announcement after updating the White House press corps on his golf game, his recent…

President Donald J. Trump Now Has a New Nickname â€" The Tax Dodger

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" The New York Times has just released 978 documents showing that President Trump is nothing more than a self-centered, egomaniacal, non-tax-paying chump. He has a new nickname - The Tax Dodger. Tilapia Frisbee,…

Dancing With The Stars’ Disney Night Was Filled With Tons of Sugar-Coated Sugar

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Satire News) - "Dancing With The Stars" featured songs from Disney movies and there was more sugar on the dance floor than in an Imperial Sugar Mill. According to Hollywood Hors D’oeuvres, one of the three judges has said, off-the-rec…

President Trump Blames The California Wildfires on Fireflies

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" President Trump attended church services at Our Lady of The Perpetual Swamp - well, actually, he drove by the church on his way to get breakfast at McDonalds. According to a White House insider, the President rem…

Man Can Remember Random French Words From School

A man who left high school more than 40 years ago has said he is still haunted by the experience of learning French, and is often bothered by remembering random French words and their meanings. Moys Kenwood, 57, left school in 1979, but still vivi…

Joe Rogan NOT supplying questions to Chris Wallace and the candidates for presidential debate

Following interest in Joe Rogan's hosting the first presidential debate, some sources (anonymous) indicate he is scripting questions and already passing them along. Moderator of Debate #1, FOX News' Chris Wallace, says not so, but he is “intereste…

I didn’t pay my taxes?

I didn’t pay my taxes? I didn’t pay my dues I didn’t sleep with hookers It’s really all fake news I didn’t cheat on spouses I didn’t collude with Russians My son-in-law certainly wasn’t involved In Moscow-based discussions I didn’t dodge…

The Donald would like his final resting place to be a pyramid

United States President, Donald J Trump, has expressed a strong desire to have his remains buried under the Egyptian Pyramid of the Sphinx. However, that's not enough for Donald. He wants to have his image carved into the pyramid, replacing the ex…

The Seattle Seahawks Didn’t Need The 12th Man To Defeat The Dallas Cowboys

SEATTLE â€" (Sports Satire) â€" The Seattle Seahawks defeated the Dallas Cowboys 38 to 31, before an empty stadium. Seahawks coach Pete Carroll pointed out that the team did not need the help of the 12th man. The 12th man refers to the team’s fans,…

Demi Lovato and Brad Pitt Are Reportedly Getting Hot and Heavy

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Celebrity Satire) â€" Celebrity Globe is reporting that the budding romance between Demi Lovato and Brad Pitt has reached the ‘sizzling stage’. Pia Confetti, with Celebrity Globe, said that a very reliable source informed her that the t…

President Putin is Threatening to Release the Infamous President Trump “Pee-Pee” Tape

MOSCOW â€" (Satire News) â€" Russia’s national news agency, The Kremlin Voice, is reporting that President Vladimir Putin, is planning on making a major announcement. According to a Kremlin insider, Putin has become very unhappy with President Trump,…

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