Blog archive

Thursday, 24 September 2020

China to ship free upgrade to COVID-20

Following worldwide criticism of COVID-19, it has emerged that China will start shipping a free upgrade by the end of this November. COVID-20 will be available to all countries currently using COVID-19, and incorporates several important new bugs.

American Tourist Tries To Blend In With Manchester Locals

An American tourist who was visiting England for the first time recently, got into a 'sticky situation' when he walked into a Manchester pub and spoke in a way that he imagined might endear him the locals. The 'cousin from across the Pond', Abel R…

Magnet anglers forced to throw back all knives under 12cm long

A new law spells the end of uncontrolled magnet fishing in Britain’s canals and rivers. The sport has grown rapidly in recent years, with experienced anglers (known as ‘maglers’) landing catches including swords, shotguns, safes and even parking mete…

Social-media user sues Facebook because his fingers turned stiff!

(NOT EDITED) "Those who perpetrate social-media crimes, should be taken to justice!" Was the reaction of a Facebook user after visiting a physiotherapist who analyzed the man's fingers, which were totally 'stiff!' After being diagnosed with a drea…

57 Hurricanes, 83 Earthquakes, and 179 Wildfires, and Still President Trump Insists That There’s No Global Warming

ELEPHANT BUTT, Ohio â€" (Satire News) â€" The 45th president spoke to a crowd of supporters and semi-supporters in the tiny town of Elephant Butt. And, right off the bat, he took a shot at the black Democratic vice-presidential candidate, Kamala Harr…

Man Got Cramp Whilst Having A Dump

A man who frequently suffers from agonizing muscle cramps in his legs has revealed how he had to endure one of the worst cramp attacks he can remember, at the weekend, during a middle-of-the-night visit to the toilet for a shit. The painful incide…

"If God Wanted a Liberal on the Supreme Court…"

Hamburger, Virginia. U.S.A. Woof Blister with another SINful report for Spoof International News. Jerry Farewell, Jr., defrocked president of Hypocrisy College, the world's most rhapsodic university, met with reporters as he was cleaning out his pala…

Coronavirus Will Vote Trump

President Trump might be suffering from a lack of voter confidence in the pre-election opinion polls, but he can sure count on the support of at least one major player - the Coronavirus. COVID-19 is a big fan of Donald Trump. In fact, it's fair to…

Dancing With The Stars Eliminates This Season's First Couple

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Satire News) â€" DWTS is now into its 29th season of foot-stompin’, hip-shakin’, and butt-bouncing dancing. The season’s first couple to be eliminated was former NBA star Charles Oakley and British dancer Emma Slater. After the show, Oa…

The NFL Will Be Hitting NFL Coaches with Hefty Fines If They Are Caught Without Their Masks

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Sports Satire) â€" NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that he is not going to baby anyone; especially adult, mature NFL football coaches. The commissioner, who says that he has never had so much stress as he does now, what with wor…

CNN in a Brilliant Move Hires Trump's Former Lawyer and Fixer Michael Cohen to be a Political Consultant

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" The president of CNN stated that there is no one on the face of the earth who knows more intimate secrets about President Trump than Michael Cohen. Cohen knows where all of Trump’s dozens of skeletons are buried, as…

Man Pours Pepsi Into Coca-Cola Glass And Blows Up Own House

A man from Toronto, Canada discovered the hard way that when you pour something into a decorative Coca-Cola glass, it had better damn well be Coke. For oblivious Torontonian, Shtee Maginnon, pouring his third choice of beverage into one of his fa…

The Houston Astros Are Rockin’ and Rollin’ Toward The Postseason Playoffs

HOUSTON â€" (Sports Satire) â€" The Sporting Chance Magazine reports that the Houston Astros have made a big turnaround, and they have, little by little, overcome the 2017 sign-stealing scandal. The Astros are now rockin’ and rollin’ toward the MLB po…

The In ‘N’ Out Burger Chain Disputes Claims That Their French Fries Taste Like Chalk

IRVINE, California â€" (Satire News) â€" A spokesperson for the In-N-Out hamburger franchise says the company disputes a national publication’s claim that In-N-Out’s French fries taste like chalk. In-N-Out spokeswoman, Tallulah Gruggle, stated that th…

Death Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg Proves God Has A Sense Of Humor

Heavenly Headlines: The death of an icon, a miracle, a giant like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, proves God has a sense of humor! If Ruth Ginsburg had been a Republican conservative on the bench, believing women belonged in the kitchen, barefoot and pregna…

Please Panic Buy Again, Urge Supermarkets

UK supermarkets and retailers have urged both fat, sweaty halfwits and rich, greedy twats to start hoarding and panic buying again, after news that a minor "lockdown" will be needed to halt the spread of Covid-19. "We need these morons to spend,"…

Government Ministers In A&E Crisis

Government health adviser Gerda Funnifeelin says she is concerned about the Government's response to an A&E crisis. “Many ministers don’t appear to able to distinguish their A from their E,” she said. “That is despite taking their 100k, and being…

Philadelphia Eagles' Wentz Booed Off the Field By Cardboard Fans

In Sunday’s game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Los Angeles Rams, Eagles’ quarterback, Carson Wentz, was booed off the field after throwing his second interception of the game. While this was surprising, even more surprising was the fact th…

Millennial Film Review: Mel Gibson's Sequel to the Passion of the Christ

The New York Post reports that Mel Gibson has begun work on a sequel to his blockbuster film, “The Passion of the Christ”, which, for those unfamiliar with the Bible, tells the story of a carpenter from Galilee and twelve homeless men who follow him…

The Latest Right Coast Revue Poll Shows Most Americans Consider Trump, McConnell, and Graham Low-Life Skum

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Ashburn Wasabi, with The Right Coast Revue, writes that the political phrase “Playing Politics” has never been more appropriate than it is today with the undisputed “King of Hatred” who sits in the White House, at lea…

Suicide rates peak in the UK as government announce 10 PM closures in pubs and clubs!

(NOT EDITED) Covid 19 is killing less, no doubt. However, infection rates are soaring all over the planet, and especially in the UK because younger boozers and clubbers are so utterly irresponsible, they are causing 'Covid Peaks' all over the country…

DVD Player Keeps 'Sticking' Halfway Through Films

There's nothing like settling back on the settee with the wife, a nice drink, and a packet of salt 'n' vinegar crisps, and watching a DVD, but one man has told how his enjoyment of these televisual feasts has been ruined recently, after his DVD playe…

Vice President Mike Pence Takes Steps To Quash Donald Trump

The telephone operators at the Vice President’s residence listened to the conversations between Pence and the rest of the Cabinet. If the conversation was saleable, it pointed toward early retirement. “Time to send Trump back to Trump Tower. He’s…

Harry Maguire of The Manchester United Red Devils Insists The Performance Enhancing Drugs Were Not His

MANCHESTER, England â€" (Sports Satire) â€" London's Tickety Boo News is reporting that Manchester United footballer Jacob Harry Maguire is very upset about the news of him being caught with performance enhancing drugs. The Red Devils star said that h…

Ginsburg To Be Stuffed And Mounted On Trigger In Branson Museum

BILLINGSGATE POST: The most famous dead horse in the world will be joined by Ruth Bader Ginsburg at a museum in Branson, Missouri, where Roy Rogers’ faithful steed Trigger is displayed. Trigger was a horse, of course. Like Ginsburg, who graduated…

Book Had No Page Numbers!

A man who started to read a new and potentially exciting book yesterday afternoon, was astonished when he opened it up at Chapter 1, only to find the pages had no numbers! 'La Reve' ('The Dream') by noted French writer Emile Zola was the book, and…

Global bank purchases 5000 washing machines to launder their filthy money!

(NOT EDITED) German electro giants, Miele, have just done a mega-deal with a giant, global bank. They've flogged and delivered one of their most sufficient washing machines to locations all over the planet. The bank who purchased the machines, req…

2020 Lindsey Graham: “Don’t Listen to 2016 Lindsey Graham He’s a Liar!”

Washington - Speaking before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Monday, Chairman Senator 2020 Lindsey Graham said he would push through a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg immediately, not even pausing to commemorate the fallen…

Ginsberg’s Death Spurs Two Congressional Investigations.

Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s death within just weeks of the presidential election is spurring two expedited congressional investigations. Adam Schiff, Chair of the House Intelligence Committee, is investigating whether the Russians, with Trump’s know…

Dallas Cowboys Players 'Snorted Cocaine' At Halftime, Claims Fan

The Dallas Cowboys like to do it the hard way, and they did it the hard way against Atlanta last night, after coming back from a huge first quarter deficit of 20 points, and a 29-10 halftime reverse, to steal the game away from the Falcons 'at the de…

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