Wednesday, 9 September 2020

Noddy Holder Spelling System Will Help People To Read

There was good news for those who experience difficulty in learning to read this week, when it was announced that an entirely new system of spelling the English language is to be introduced, developed by the ex-Slade frontman, Noddy Holder. Holder…

Man's Data Isn't Backed Up

A man who uses a Smartphone to make telephone calls, send emails, browse the internet, and to see what kind of crap his family and friends have been up to on Facebook, has been told by his device that his data isn't backed up. Quite what this mean…

Drinker slung out of pub for being drunk

A man who had, allegedly, drunk five pints of lager in an Essex pub at the weekend, was thrown out by the landlord for being drunk. Dave Brown, 28, who had been supping at the Bulldog and Nettles public house in Braintree from 5 o'clock until clos…

What is happening with the Archer's Pantomime this year?

Although it is only September, work is usually well under way for the Ambridge pantomime production, but overseer Lydia Snell has barely mentioned it this year. Although the smaller farms in Ambridge have been pre-occupied with COVID-19, and the p…

Christian Scientist Says Covid-19 Is All In The Mind

Mary Baker Eddy, the founder of Christian Science, said that the cause of all so-called disease is mental … all illness is simply in the mind. One of her most recent proteges, Revd. Mike Robeskill, has just spent £300k on a newspaper campaign wh…

Trump Says Kamala Harris Isn’t Electable?

Donald Trump said, in front of news cameras recording his voice, so there is no deniability. However, he often denies what's already on film. So, Trump said California’s Attorney General Kamala Harris is not electable. From god's mouth! Edito…

Man can't wait for new Steps album

Music- and culture-free back-water Chutney on the Fritz has been starved of any exciting news for months now, so it is no surprise that pop music fan Stanley Bridgewater is eagerly looking forward to the release of 1990s favourite Steps new album, 'W…

Writer struggles to satisfy site's 100-word minimum limit

A writer on an online satirical news website has told of the difficulty he experienced, while writing one of his stories, of trying to satisfy the site's requirement which stipulates each article must contain at least one hundred words. The writer…

UK-EU withdrawal agreement is invalid! "Had my fingers crossed behind my back! So there!" claims PM

That model of integrity and honour, paragon of virtue, Boris Johnson, has expressed amazement at the EU's reaction to him wishing to renege on the withdrawal agreement he signed in January. "What a kerfuffle," began the Prime Minister, forcing EU…

Young UK ravers don't give a crap about Corona!

(NOT EDITED) It has been confirmed that 17 to 21 year-old's are causing a dent in Boris Johnson's plans to open up the UK economy, and once again become a world force chasing China, under orders from the USA. Boris Johnson, often takes hallucinato…

The Garlic Nan Versus The Talking Kebab…

For years, we've seen these supposed holy kitchen gifts from God enshrined in tablecloths, Nan bread, toast, and someone even posted Jesus's face in the froth of his Costa Coffee! I'm sure they are just freakish coincidences, but they certainly le…

Constantly Coming Up With New Material Has Affected Man's Brain

In his book, 'Overconnected', author Bill Davidow claims that, far from taking generations, and hundreds of years, for the human brain to adapt to changes in the world we live in, it can do so in a very short space of time, and, possibly, within our…

Colorado Says The Marijuana Business is Up by 4,000 Percent

DENVER â€" (Satire News) - The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition has just announced that marijuana sales have gone up 4,000% in the last three months. CSCC Director Lucy “Sinsemilla” Coxcoogan was asked by TMZ to explain the unprecedented increase.

President Trump Says He’s Not a Racist â€" He’s Just Selective

MAR-A-LAGO, Florida - (Satire News) â€" President Trump took a quick trip down to Mar-a-Lago to get his teeth cleaned, and to see about hiring a new chauffeur. While there, he was asked about reports that appeared in The Chicago Daily Wind, that sai…

Britney Spears Wants To Become Relevant Again

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Celebrity Satire) - Britney Spears is 39, but she recently told Tittle Tattle Tonight's Pico de Gallo, that she is starting to feel 69. The singer, dancer, actress, ventriloquist, bricklayer, was once considered to be the “Princess of…

Spoof Writer Receives 3-Star Rating For Story

A frequent, though, by no means the most frequent, contributor to a satirical news website, has said he was interested to note that a reader of one of his stories had awarded it a 3-star rating today, which was thought-provoking. Moys Kenwood, 57,…

Fly swatting in France can be an explosive hobby!

(NOT EDITED) Flies are pests, full stop! Maybe not as bad as mosquitoes or gnats, but they are still a damn nuisance! However, a French fly, not a Spanish one (really irritating), got his own back whilst pestering a farmer's wife in her kitchen. T…

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow Reports That Trump’s Chauffeur is Voting for Joe Biden

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) - The queen of MSNBC, Rachel Maddow, has learned from a White House insider that the President’s personal chauffeur has said that he is not going to vote for Trump. The chauffeur, who asked that his name not be used,…

Cardi B Said She Received a Text From Eric Trump

CHICAGO â€" (Satire News) - Hip-hop artist Cardi B was in the “Windy City” picking up two solid gold nipple rings she had ordered. She was asked by a reporter with the Chicago Daily Wind newspaper, about her getting a text from Eric Trump. Cardi…

A McDonald’s is Shut Down When It’s Discovered it Was Using Camel Meat in Their Happy Meal Burgers

RIYAD, Saudi Arabia - (Satire News) â€" Authorities with Saudi Arabia’s food watch-dog agency, Fadi Wadi Wadi, are reporting that a random check of a McDonalds in Riyadh found traces of camel meat in the Happy Meal burgers. Store manager, Kasheem Me…

Michael Cohen’s Tell-All Book on President Trump is Reportedly Quite Telling

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) - The publishers of Michael Cohen’s new tell-all book are as happy as beavers in a lumber yard. The book is titled “I Know President Donald Trump Better Than Melania, Marla, Ivana, and Stormy All Put Together”. Pr…

Punk Rockers Called Mod's Scooter A 'Puff Chariot'

A man who was reminiscing about the days of his youth, with his mates in a pub at the weekend, remembered someone he knew who was a Mod, and of how people would refer to this person's scooter as a 'Puff Chariot'. Moys Kenwood, then 17, was an arde…

LGBTQ Community goes Animal

The glamour of Christopher Street parades around the world is a beacon of light in the face of discrimination and exclusion within society. And friends of the LGBTQ community are now welcoming a host of new members…so to say. Having recently add…

Nancy Poozleosi Claims Her Shih Tzu Ate Her Face Mask

BILLINGSGATE POST: If there is any certainty in this world, it’s that Nancy Poozleosi will never admit a mistake. The name “Poozleosi” is a story in itself. In Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, McMurphy is ruminating about the…

Donald Trump To Fire The Messenger

Donald Trump, the Abuser-In-Chief of free speech, has declared that Jennifer Griffen, of Fox News, should be fired because she corroborated the Atlantic Monthly story about Trump: At the gravesite in Arlington Cemetery, Trump referred to the buried s…

Fox on the run after nicking chicken!

(UNEDITED) Foxes, renowned for their sly and clever behavior, are beating poachers at their own game. A fox called, Father Fox, went out on his nocturnal hunt only to find local farm cats had nicked all the field mice and small mammals in his hunt…

A 94-Year-Old Great Grandmother In North Dakota Caught With 283 Opioid Pills In Her Size 44-DDDD Bra

FARGO, North Dakota â€" (Satire News) â€" Local authorities informed the local CBS television affiliate that, acting on a tip, they apprehended an elderly woman in possession of a large amount of illegal opioids. The Fargo Police Department arrested 9…

Dog receives ballot for November election; holds news conference

Mr. Trump has announced that the Democrats are sinking to new lows by sending ballots to cats and dogs across the nation. Democrats have denied the charge, saying any case of a pet (dead or alive) receiving a ballot is a minor glitch in the voting…

Major League Baseball Votes to Ban Organ Music

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Sports Satire) - Major League Baseball announces that the age-old tradition of having organists play their little sing-song ditties at games will be discontinued with the start of the 2020 season. The decision was handed down by M…

Cops Foil Lockdown Crime Wave

Police have foiled several hold-up attempts during the virus lockdown. “Robbers were confused,” said Chief Inspector Nickem. “We was confused,” admitted getaway driver Andy Wither-Jumplead. “It’s not fair,” complained Al Cumquietly. “We couldn’t…

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