Thursday, 3 September 2020

Dow Hits 29,000; "Will it Poof?" Asks Puffitt

Omaha, Nebraska. USA. Woof Blister with another SOB story - Spoof On Business. Only a week after the Dow came within 1,000 points of wiping out the 11,000-point pandemic bear market, the Dow today closed less than 500 points short of that goal. Coupl…

So Nancy Pelosi Didn’t Wear A Face Mask

The sky fell! Boom. Every Republican is pointing fingers at Nancy Pelosi because she didn’t wear a face mask while having her hair shampooed. Kind of impossible to wear a mask while your hair is being shampooed. Do you think she should have held…

Man Had Bitten Off More Than He Could Chew

We've all heard it said many times before - the somewhat admonishing phrase "you've bitten off more than you can chew!" - and that was exactly the case for one man at the weekend when he bit off more than he could chew. The man in question was non…

Oatmeal Successfully Brainwashes Another Generation

A mushy pile of milled oat grains has somehow convinced another generation of Americans that it is a viable breakfast option. A recent study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania has revealed that teens and young adults enjoy eating oatmeal…

Suntan Is Coming Along Nicely

The Coronavirus drags on with no end in sight, leaving many people at a loose end through not being able to go back to work, but for one man, the extra free time spent in the sunshine is very welcome, as he tops up his suntan. Ken Moyswood, 57, ha…

Meghan Markle says Melania Trump's green dress was from Primark

Meghan Markle, the wife of Prince Harry, has become involved in a controversy after commenting that Melania Trump, the wife of President Donald Trump, wore a dress to the Republican Convention which she, herself, has seen for sale in the online cloth…

Baby Still Hasn't Stopped Crying

A baby boy born in early July, who started as he meant to go on, by bawling for all he was worth the moment he emerged into the open air, still hasn't stopped crying, even though it's now September. The tot, who was only just over 2 kilos in weigh…

Baby Didn't Want To Be Born

A baby that has hardly ever stopped crying for all it's worth since it first made its appearance in the world in June, probably didn't want to born, it's been claimed. The baby, a boy who was the subject of an earlier report, has cried, wept, sobb…

Man Just Knew Claude Lantier Was Going To End Up In Bed With Irma Becot

A man who is an enthusiastic reader of French literature, and who was reading 'The Masterpiece' by the French author, Emile Zola, claims he "just knew", with absolute certainty, that the 'hero' of the story was going to end up in bed with Irma Becot…

"Dithering is my strongest trait" claims UK PM, BOJO!

(UNEDITED) "I would never have hacked it into Nr 10 unless I was a huge ditherer, bringing confusion, chaos, and not letting people know what I actually mean; it's my strongest characteristic, or not, or yes!" BOJO recently divulged to Jaggedone in a…

Writer claims spoof story is the most controversial ever written

A frequent contributor to an online satirical news website has claimed that a story he has wriiten could easily be described as 'The Most Controversial Spoof Story in History', in order to draw attention to it. The story in question was written fo…

President Trump Tells a Group of High School Students They Don’t Have to Wear Their COVID-19 Masks

TARANTULA FALLS, Rhode Island â€" (Satire News) - The 45th president and his top adviser, Ivanka Trump, traveled to Tarantula Falls, Rhode Island, to speak before an assembly of students at Mrs. Paul Revere High School. Trump told the 147 students n…

Return of the piss vans

Urination vehicles have not been seen in Manchester since the 1950s. In those days it was the rarity of toilets that meant many locals were happy to literally "spend a penny" to take a pee in one. Yet now, with coronavirus ravaging parts of the No…

Biden: Can’t Wait To Get Into Kamala’s Snickers

BILLINGSGATE POST: Yesterday, in his first appearance on the campaign trail since coming out of his basement, Joe Biden mentioned that he couldn’t resist chocolates and had a secret craving for Snickers. “I can’t wait to get into Kamala’s Snicker…

Scratching bums in public in India leads to a prison sentence!

(UNEDITED) There are many reasons for people requiring to scratch their 'rear-ends' in public. Uncomfortable underpants, nylon knickers, tangas, fleas, and the most notable cause is; inappropriate use of bog paper. Bog paper, if not used properly,…

Woman Can Paint Pictures Without Even Looking At Them

Art critics have been astounded by the discovery of an amazing new talent in the world of painting, a woman who produces stunningly beautiful pictures without even bothering to look at what she is doing! Caprice de la Vienetta, who is Italian, cre…

Tiffany Trump Addresses the Rumors That She Will Be Replacing Tucker Carlson at Fox News

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) - President Trump’s second daughter was asked by Entertainment Tonight about the latest rumors coming out of the 24-hour rumor mills. Tiffany was asked if it was true that Fox News is seriously considering having her…

Trump Tries Out New Nickname For Biden?

Is Donald Trump trying out a new nickname for Joe Biden? When is Trump going to grow up and try doing his job at the White House? Or does he need his big sister to do that for him as well? Joe Shapiro? Thanks a lot! Did you spend all the money Tr…

Major League Baseball Investigators Find That 29 of the 30 Teams Have Cheated at Least Once This Season

LONG ISLAND, New York â€" (Sports Satire) â€" Back in April, Major League Baseball hired an investigating firm from Manhattan to conduct a secret investigation into all 30 MLB teams. CBS Sports is reporting that the firm, Kellogg, Fribble, & Quay,…

The New England Patriots are Caught Purchasing Illegal Football Helmets

BOSTON â€" (Sports Satire) - Two NFL teams who have been caught cheating the most are the New Orleans Saints and the New England Patriots. And now reports out of NFL headquarters say that the Patriots are at it again. Sporting Chance Magazine rep…

Jury Required For Up-Skirt Pervert

Reading Crown Court have taken the unprecedented step of advertising for a 12-person jury to try a local man. Normally, if someone gets a jury summons in the post, they must respond within 7 days. You will be part of a jury of 12 people to decide…

China’s President Xi Jinping Says He's Had it with President Donald Trump and The Gloves are Coming Off

HONG KONG â€" (Trivia News) - In a move that the civilized world is referring to as the epitome of a tit-for-tat game, China’s leader Xi Jinping has decided to rub tit-tatting in Trump’s face. The Chinese leader said that he has had it up to his ear…

Lionel Messi vows to donate his future £1 million pound weekly salary to his own pocket!

(UNEDITED) Professional footballers are renowned, sometimes, for their kindness and appreciation to others who cannot kick a ball as good as them. Christmas hospital visits, donating to kiddies charities, purchasing a Bentley or Rolls Royce weekly (t…

Trump Clinks 3 Bottles Together, asks Biden to ‘Come out and play-ee-ay’

WASHINGTON â€" In a move designed to appeal to the 51 to 56-year-old demographic, Donald Trump appeared in the Rose Garden this morning with three empty beer bottles. He held them by sticking 3 fingers of his right hand into the bottle necks and then s…

Man Attacked By Bird

A man who claimed he feared for his life, has told how he was rudely awoken this morning by the shrieking of a bird which was attempting to get into his house to attack him. In a scene reminiscent of those in Alfred Hitchcock's 'The Birds', a bird…

New equation proves existence of alien Steely Dan

First there was the Drake Equation, devised in 1961, which theorised the existence of alien civilisations, and now a New York scientist has gone one better by proving that the existence of an alien version of the 1970s jazz rock band Steely Dan is a…

The Chicago Cubs Are Changing The Colors of Their Uniforms From Red, White, and Blue to Black and White in Honor of Black Lives Matter.

CHICAGO â€" (Sports Satire) - The Chicago Cubs organization has always had a pulse on the city located on Lake Michigan. ESPN-5 talked to Cubs manager David Ross at a local Red Lobster, and discussed his latest idea regarding the Black Lives Matter…

Tom Brady is Thrilled That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are Looking at Signing the World’s Fastest Man â€" Usain Bolt

TAMPA BAY â€" (Sports Satire) - Tom Brady, who can hardly wait for the NFL season to begin, stated that he was really excited to hear that the Buccaneers may be signing Usain Bolt â€" the world’s fastest man. Brady told ESPN-4 that he called up Bolt a…

Caitlyn Jenner Has Been Elected President of The Pink Lives Matter Organization

LOS ANGELES â€" (Satire News) - The former Bruce Jenner, and now Caitlyn Jenner, has just been elected president of the Pink Lives Matter movement. Ms. Jenner beat out three other individuals who were vying for the job that will pay $900,000 a year,…

Traces of the Coronavirus Are Found at AT&T Stadium, Home of the Dallas Cowboys

DALLAS â€" (Sports Satire) - Health inspectors with the Lone Star State Health Institute have reported that they found some traces of the Coronavirus in the kitchen of The Troy Aikman Barbecue Bar & Grill, located inside AT&T Stadium. Inspec…

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