Monday, 7 September 2020

Punk Rockers Called Mod's Scooter A 'Puff Chariot'

A man who was reminiscing about the days of his youth, with his mates in a pub at the weekend, remembered someone he knew who was a Mod, and of how people would refer to this person's scooter as a 'Puff Chariot'. Moys Kenwood, then 17, was an arde…

Nancy Poozleosi Claims Her Shih Tzu Ate Her Face Mask

BILLINGSGATE POST: If there is any certainty in this world, it’s that Nancy Poozleosi will never admit a mistake. The name “Poozleosi” is a story in itself. In Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, McMurphy is ruminating about the…

Harry Maguire Didn't Even Watch England On TV

Harry Maguire, the Manchester United and England defender, who was dropped by national team boss Gareth Southgate for the Three Lions' match in Iceland last night, has said that he was so frustrated and angry about the decision, that he didn't even b…

Cops Foil Lockdown Crime Wave

Police have foiled several hold-up attempts during the virus lockdown. “Robbers were confused,” said Chief Inspector Nickem. “We was confused,” admitted getaway driver Andy Wither-Jumplead. “It’s not fair,” complained Al Cumquietly. “We couldn’t…

Fox on the run after nicking chicken!

(UNEDITED) Foxes, renowned for their sly and clever behavior, are beating poachers at their own game. A fox called, Father Fox, went out on his nocturnal hunt only to find local farm cats had nicked all the field mice and small mammals in his hunt…

Euro Countries Covid-19 Smoke Screens

With the gradual increase of Coronavirus cases taking hold in all of the European countries, the various governments have been accused of masking the true spread of the pandemic by utilising 'Smoke Screen' tactics. Spain was yesterday accused by t…

Prime Minister Set To Bring Back Sunday Bathtimes…

In a bizarre twist to all the Covid-19 nonsense, where both the British Prime Minister and the American President claimed that children cannot get the virus, they have backtracked, and said they could get it when they are older. It's almost 30 yea…

A 94-Year-Old Great Grandmother In North Dakota Caught With 283 Opioid Pills In Her Size 44-DDDD Bra

FARGO, North Dakota â€" (Satire News) â€" Local authorities informed the local CBS television affiliate that, acting on a tip, they apprehended an elderly woman in possession of a large amount of illegal opioids. The Fargo Police Department arrested 9…

Howard Stern Says Eric and Donald Trump Jr., Are Spoiled Brat Punks For Shooting What Are Basically Petting Zoo Animals

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Sports Satire) - Howard Stern has just expressed what tens of millions of civilized people have said about grown men who ambush animals. The shock jock said that these pantywaists like the Trump boys, Eric and Donnie Jr., think th…

So-called Stonehenge Experts Put In Their Place

A high school student has miraculously uncovered the secret past of Stonehenge. After centuries of 'spoof stories' being released about druids, pagans and monks, Dean Turnbridge just walked into his local library and looked at a book. "It's qu…

One of Mexico's Greatest Bullfighters Swears He Caught (La) Coronavirus From Bull Spit

TIJUANA, Mexico â€" (Sports Satire) â€" Mexico’s La Palabra News has stated that one of the nation’s greatest matadors, Habanero Del Chipotle, says he's come down with the Coronavirus. La Coronavirus, as it is called in Mexico, until recently, had not…

Shoe Shop For People With One Foot Now Open

A shoe shop that caters exclusively for people with one leg, or rather, with one foot, has opened its doors to the general public, or rather, that section of the general public that has only one foot. The Landmine Footwear Emporium deals specific…

Lie-detector machines in White House replaced by masks.

According to unconfirmed White House sources, over two hundred lie-detector machines have been junked because they continually blew their fuses when Mr Trump and White House staff took the test. Each test takes approximately ten minutes, and cover…

Gay cat turns hetero after being wooed by hot feline!

(UNEDITED) A farm cat called, Anton, refused to acknowledge the existence of female cats on the farm where he resides. The farmer's wife, who feeds the cats, observed Anton, and came to the conclusion that he was gay! The other male tom cats on th…

Man Would Have Liked To Have Killed Woman In Book

A man reading a book became so hateful of one of its female characters, that he claims he would have liked to have killed her with his own bare hands, or, in a variety of other ways. The book in question, 'Une Page d'Amour', by Emile Zola, was bei…

Human Beings Now On The Endangered Species List

As the world sits anxiously waiting for a cure for the Coronavirus, Covid-19, it's been revealed that human beings, themselves, have now been added to the Endangered Species list. The astonishing news was announced by the World Health Organization…

Humble taxi driver has solved a Biblical mystery - or has he?

A Bulgarian taxi driver has discovered the ruins of the legendary Tower of Babel. The gentleman was driving an Iranian national to his home in the north of Iran, when he spotted some loose gravel which was a different colour to the soil around i…

How Did The U.S. Become A Police State?

Thinking heads are questioning, "When did the U.S. become a police state?" We don’t exactly hear the Anne Frank police siren on squad cars slowly moving down streets, but it’s close. Many are wringing their hands, wondering how the Trump nightmare ha…

It’s Now Official - President Trump Spends Way More Time Denying Things Than He Does on Dealing With the Coronavirus

NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) - A report that appeared on Fox News clearly shows that President Trump now spends more time denying things he has said than he does in dealing with the Coronavirus pandemic. Trump denies he said that Neptune is a co…

Freddie Mercury Is 74 Today

The world of rock music stood for a minute's silence today to celebrate the 74th birthday of the multi-talented former Queen frontman Freddie Mercury, who is dead. Born Farrokh Bulsara, in Zanzibar, on 5 September, 1946, Mercury showed promise at…

Unlucky Football Team Call It A Day, Luckily For Them…

The most jinxed team in world football have decided, after playing in the Sunday Amateur leagues, to call it a day. Inter Mill-inn, who joined Scottish Division Two 15 years ago, and who were promoted in their first season, have had endless bad l…

Trump seeks the services of the Man of Steel

In breaking news, United States President Donald J Trump has appealed to comic book hero Superman to help end the violence on the streets of Portland and Kinosha. Mr Trump said that, more than ever, the people of America looked to the "Man of Steel"…

A Cocaine-Carrying Cat Successfully Climbs Over Trump’s Border Wall

PAPOOSE RATTLE, New Mexico â€" (Satire News) â€" Border Patrol agents report that they saw a cat carrying a small backpack scale Trump's Border Wall. The agents are 99.8% certain that the backpack was filled with cocaine. They informed a reporter…

Alec Baldwin and Kate Upton To Star In A Movie Based On The Book By Stormy Daniels

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Satire News) - The word filtering out of LaLaLand is that President Trump impersonator Alec Baldwin and Big-Size Woman model Kate Upton, have just signed to star in a motion picture based on the book by Donald Trump strumpet Stormy Danie…

REO Speedwagon 2020 Tour!

They have been rocking since 1967, and brought us incredible hits like: Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore, Keep on Lovin' You, and Roll With the Changes! These guys are finally on tour again, so if you've been waiting as everyone else in the world has…

President Trump Denies That He’s a Member of the KKK

CATFISH MEOW, North Carolina â€" (Satire News) â€" The President is saying that an article that appeared in the Oxnard Obligatory Observer newspaper is totally and positively false. The story written by Rex T. Narragansett states that DJT first joined…

Losers And Suckers, Vote Twice For Trump, And His Hair Is The Thing

September Election News: Unbelievably, the Trump election campaign has doubled down at the start of the month, making Trump’s defeat certain. More stuff is coming out about the real Donald Trump, and while always suspected, this new stuff is traitoro…

Man Has Stopped Saying "Hello"

In a move that would have the former Commodores singer Lionel Richie spinning in his grave - if he were dead, which he isn't, one man has decided that, henceforth, he is not going to say the word "Hello" anymore. The reason is simple. "Overuse,…

AWOL A-Go-Go

A Spitfire has been found underneath the area that was reserved for a new chateau in France. As the JCBs drove in to dig the foundations, the amazing discovery was made. Even more amazing is that, after it was excavated, it was discovered that the…

Man Who Likes To Use The Phrase 'By The Skin Of His Teeth', Realizes Teeth Don't Have Skin

Writers describing hair-raising adventures and dangerous situations from which an escape is, somehow, miraculously effected, are often known to use the phrase "by the skin of his teeth" when doing so, but one man who has used this phrase had to stop…

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