Do married couples fight a lot because each believes he or she
can actually “win”?
Life is full of advice of dubious value-- and that may be factually accurate but
isn’t really very helpful, friend.
"Don't get hit by a bus," is one general common sense example.
But it’s not very useful advice, is it?
Most people who get hit by a bus don't plan on a crushing collision when they
leave home and step out onto the street.
Of course, “don’t ever leave home” is just as unhelpful.
The marriage equivalent of accurate but unhelpful advice might be this one:
“Avoid fighting with your spouse”.
Sorry but conflict in marriage-- in any relationship-- is simply inevitable.
The sooner they accept that, the sooner a couple can create methods for defusing
escalation amidst tension and emotion, agree to disagree, seek solutions rather
than victory, and fight the problems in their lives rather than each other.
Listen...
No one sets out to fight all the time with his or her marriage partner, yet a
bitter divorce celebrated with his and her “Wish I never got married” coffee
mugs is precisely where too many people end up (figuratively speaking of
course).
I had some thoughts today on why there’s simply so much marital martial arts
fighting...and I want to ask you to consider something.
===> Do married couples fight so much simply because each is convinced
he or she can actually “win” these arguments?
TLDR: There’s no “winner” in any fight between married partners.
Perhaps my dusty college history degree can be useful for something today,
because I’m about to throw out an only semi-tangential historical parallel
that might surprise new subscribers reading one of their first email newsletters
from our ecommerce jewelry brand.
In the early to mid 1990s, right after Operation Desert Storm, the hottest guy
on the professional speaking circuit was General Norman Schwartzkopf.
can actually “win”?
Life is full of advice of dubious value-- and that may be factually accurate but
isn’t really very helpful, friend.
"Don't get hit by a bus," is one general common sense example.
But it’s not very useful advice, is it?
Most people who get hit by a bus don't plan on a crushing collision when they
leave home and step out onto the street.
Of course, “don’t ever leave home” is just as unhelpful.
The marriage equivalent of accurate but unhelpful advice might be this one:
“Avoid fighting with your spouse”.
Sorry but conflict in marriage-- in any relationship-- is simply inevitable.
The sooner they accept that, the sooner a couple can create methods for defusing
escalation amidst tension and emotion, agree to disagree, seek solutions rather
than victory, and fight the problems in their lives rather than each other.
Listen...
No one sets out to fight all the time with his or her marriage partner, yet a
bitter divorce celebrated with his and her “Wish I never got married” coffee
mugs is precisely where too many people end up (figuratively speaking of
course).
I had some thoughts today on why there’s simply so much marital martial arts
fighting...and I want to ask you to consider something.
===> Do married couples fight so much simply because each is convinced
he or she can actually “win” these arguments?
TLDR: There’s no “winner” in any fight between married partners.
Perhaps my dusty college history degree can be useful for something today,
because I’m about to throw out an only semi-tangential historical parallel
that might surprise new subscribers reading one of their first email newsletters
from our ecommerce jewelry brand.
In the early to mid 1990s, right after Operation Desert Storm, the hottest guy
on the professional speaking circuit was General Norman Schwartzkopf.
Schwartzkopf was the general credited with the swift and decisive U.S. victory
over Iraq in the liberation of Kuwait from Saddam Hussein’s territorial
aggression.
The decorated general quickly traded active-duty bullets and bombs for
post-retirement standing ovations and ever-present confetti for more or less the
remainder of his life.
By the time I was out of college and working at Get Motivated Seminars,
“Stormin’ Norman” had given rousing talks to tens of millions of cheering
fans-- maybe even that many listeners via just this one motivational seminar
company.
Once my early business mentor Peter Lowe publicly asked him at an event:
“What’s the secret of your success?”
Schwarzkopf replied, “I only fight battles I can win.”
Liberating Kuwait was a battle the U.S. could easily win.
Whatever the hell came afterwards was most assuredly NOT an easy win.
And ol’ Norman was gone off the battlefield and earning fat, civilian speaker
fees before the military learned that lesson the hard way… cuz occupying Iraq
and later Afghanistan were NOT battles the country was gonna easily win.
The U.S. sort-of won at first with the shock and awe, but didn’t really win at
all once the fight that could be won morphed into the day-to-day struggle that
likely could not be “won” in any measurable, black-and-white way.
That’s kind of what happens in marriage when men and women out there with a
need to “win” each and every argument in a marriage then insist on
“winning” every marital fight with his/her spouse.
Maybe you’ll win a few squabbles here and there.
Maybe he’ll remember that pet peeve of yours.
Maybe she’ll get her ____ act together.
But winning any of these battles is a loss.
It ain’t a battle you can really win, friend.
Why?
You cannot win a battle when both sides should be fighting for the same
things-- and are squandering all of their energy fighting each other.
Some of the best marriage advice I’ve ever gotten...in response to a question
that had nothing to do with marriage.
Only fight battles you can win.
Thanks in advance for your continued purchases and referrals.
Mr. Cubic Zirconia
CubicZirconia.com, The Clear Choice ™
CubicZirconia.com, The Clear Choice ™
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P.S. The year is half over.
business hours.
P.S. The year is half over.
Here’s hoping your 2026 is the year the two of you make your
own with a decision and a declaration to fight the problems you see together--
and not each other. The most successful married couples complement each
other; you can do so much more together than apart.
That’s why “Avoid fighting with your spouse” is such unhelpful advice. Not
only is it not feasible, the real key is to avoid fighting your spouse and
choose to fight with him or her as the two of you face the obstacles that
stand in the way of you and the lives you’ve promised each other, together.
That’s a battle you CAN win.
We’ll get the confetti ready for you.
own with a decision and a declaration to fight the problems you see together--
and not each other. The most successful married couples complement each
other; you can do so much more together than apart.
That’s why “Avoid fighting with your spouse” is such unhelpful advice. Not
only is it not feasible, the real key is to avoid fighting your spouse and
choose to fight with him or her as the two of you face the obstacles that
stand in the way of you and the lives you’ve promised each other, together.
That’s a battle you CAN win.
We’ll get the confetti ready for you.
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