Blog Archive

Friday, 9 October 2020

The Fly That Pronounced The Trump Presidency Ding-Dong-Dead

During the first and last vice presidential debate, a fly, Randolph, settled and nested on top of Vice President Pence’s head, bounced around as though looking around for something - maybe bugs, termites, dry rot - settled down, took a nap, then woke…

Snake Fell Out Of Tree Onto Man's Head

There was mild panic in southeast Asia this morning when a man walking to work was the victim of an aerial attack from a snake which dropped out of a tree onto his bonce, scaring the shit out of him. Although we are not able to effectively communi…

New Watch Performs Well On First Day

A man who was obliged to buy a new watch so that he could keep abreast of what time it was at any hour of the day or night, says that the timepiece had "performed well" on its first day, and that he had no complaints. Moys Kenwood, 57, purchased t…

Utah Health Department Searching for Insect Exposed to Visitor Who Attended COVID Spreading Maskless Events in Washington D.C.

Salt Lake City - After a visitor from a COVID-19 hot spot in another state was seen in the area participating in an indoor political event, local health authorities became alarmed when a fly apparently ignored the plexiglass, social distancing rules…

White House Says Virtual Debate Rules "Totally Unfair" to Rude Heckler Who Attended Last Event

Washington - After the Commission on Presidential Debates decided that the next debate scheduled for next week would only take place in a virtual format, President Donald Trump declared that the new arrangement would be completely unfair to him, as i…

Perl 6 nerds committed Rakudocide

M’assachewsucks Instantstink of Technerdery - The Tech Rebuke According to our source, Eek Campus nerd Rodney Slidrule, an entire class of Course 6 students at MIT have abandoned civilnerd society and moved onto Amish farms in PA. “It was th…

Dutch pancakes voted flattest on the planet!

(NOT EDITED) Scientists with nothing better to do than find blackholes in the universe, very Nobel, have turned their attention to more earthly matters, not dark. In an attempt to find out which pancakes are the flattest, not the planet, they studied…

The Washington D.C. Health Code Inspector Says The Coronavirus-Infested White House is Going to Have to be Demolished

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" The Washington Globe-Express is reporting that the Washington, D.C. health code inspector has just inspected the White House from top to bottom. Hoyt Tullyweiser, told the Globe-Express that he found traces of CO…

German countryside house owner employs wild boars to do his gardening!

(NOT EDITED) After watching a nature programme on TV, a German house owner, who just happens not to have one 'green finger' protruding from his hands, decided to employ a family of wild boars to dig up his garden. His wife, also declined to get on…

The Vice-Presidential Debate Was Boring, The Moderator Sucked, and A Big Fly Peed on Mike Pence’s Head

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah â€" (Satire News) â€" The Vox Populi News Agency stated that the television vice-presidential debate clearly showed that Vice-President Pence is just as much a jerk as “Baby Fingers” Trump when it comes to not following the establish…

Spain’s Greatest Matador El Gazpacho is Gored in Madrid

MADRID â€" (Sports Satire) â€" Spain’s national news agency Las Pelotas is reporting that the nation’s greatest matador, Joaquin Beauregard Gazpacho, has been gored in Madrid’s Eva Longoria Bullring. Las Pelotas stated that El Gazpacho, was momentaril…

Amazon sales are dropping

For years, rumors have circulated on urban streets that anyone who buys from Amazon has to be gay. There may be some merit to the urban tale after Amazon's sales dropped when news broke of a transgender man being discriminated against at Amazon. A…

Afgan Taliban and the 'Cuties’ film

The new leader of the Afghan Taliban, Mullah Akhtar Mansour, has just endorsed County District Attorney Lucas Babin for indicating Netflix over a movie called Cuties. While wearing his MAGA hat, Babin says he's overjoyed that Mullah Akhtar Mansour…

Mitch McConnell Finally Admits What Everyone Already Knew

SKUNK SPRAY, Kentucky - (Satire News) â€" TMZ recently spoke with Senator Addison Michelle McConnell, and the senator revealed what 97% of all Americans already knew. McConnell, who is 78, but looks 98, finally admitted that yes, he is indeed “Trump…

Senator Susan Collins Says…

Susan Collins, the US Senator from Maine, running like a rabbit for re-election, says her opponent, Sara Gideon, will say and do anything to win the election. Meanwhile, Susan is promising that if reelected, she will do everyone’s windows in Maine as…

The Proud Boys Have Told President Trump That They’ll Work Security at His Upcoming Campaign Rallies

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" Fox News says that the extreme white supremacist group, the Proud Boys, have proudly informed the President that they’ll work security at his upcoming campaign rallies free of charge. They said that it would be a…

All of The White House Maids and Cooks Have Quit and Evacuated The Trumpapalooza-Infested White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" CNN is reporting that every maid and cook in the White House has abandoned the Trumpapalooza-infested White House. A Trump staff member, who did not want his name revealed, said that, as soon as the President wal…

Jackass revisited! President inspires a range of game challenges. Thanks Donald!

Give the guy a break! Everyone's getting at the Donald, right now, just because he insists on breathing Covid into people. But, hey, he merely wants to share with you! Nothing wrong with that! It makes you harder! And thanks to the President, a wh…

A F*cking Miracle: Biden “Speaking In Noses” To Nation

BILLINGSGATE POST: Although speaking in tongues did not make a wide appearance in the Catholic Church until 1967, speaking in noses became much more common during the Obama Administration. In 2012, Vice President Biden received the gift during a pra…

President Trump Claims He Was Misunderstood

President Trump has been spending some time thinking during his period of rest and recuperation after testing positive for the Coronavirus, and he considers that, overall, his message has been misunderstood by the American people. When Trump came…

This Week's Dancing With The Stars Ended In One Big Messed-Up Mess

HOLLYWOOD â€" (Celebrity Satire) - The ending of this edition of “Dancing With The Stars” looked like just another episode of “The Jerry Springer Show” minus the chair-throwing and the X-rated cussing and yelling. The new host, Tyra Banks, blamed t…

Chinese Communist Party’s New Chinglish Bible

According to China’s state-run Xinhua News Agency, the Politburo Standing Committee recently convened a meeting of scholars and “religious people” to begin the work of “making accurate and authoritative interpretations of classical doctrines to keep…

Queen Elizabeth Tells President Trump Not To Even Think About Visiting England

LONDON â€" (Satire News) â€" Reports coming out of Buckingham Palace say that Queen Elizabeth II has made it abundantly clear to President Trump that he will never set foot in England again. According to London’s Tickety Boo News, Prince Charles noted…

Child's Bag Was Open

A teacher working at a school has told of an incident in which a child at the school where he works was spotted in the establishment's playground with a backpack that was unzipped. The incident occurred at a local school where teacher Moys Kenwood…

Melania Trump Is Furious After Seeing The Photo of Her Husband Kissing Hope Hicks on the Lips

WASHINGTON, D.C. â€" (Satire News) â€" A highly respected White House insider has informed Rachel Maddow of MSNBC, that First Lady Melania Trump hit the roof when she was shown the photo of her husband kissing Hope Hicks on the mouth. She reportedly c…

Trump is Ready to Resume Essential Duties: Golf, Twitter, Watching Fox News, Super Spreader Cult Rallies

Washington - President Trump is ready to return to the White House after battling the effects of a COVID-19 infection he acquired while unnecessarily celebrating the nomination of Amy Coney Barrett to the United States Supreme Court in the White Hous…

Nietzscheian Superman Apprehended!

John McAfee has been arrested! Deep in an undisclosed location that is as beautiful as it is deadly, Seal Team Six jumped from a helicopter into a dense tropical forest, their dissent as quiet as a spider plunging from a trees’ canopy. Target a…

October 7 Is Looming Large

Amidst all the high excitement and controversy being generated by the run-up to the US presidential election, and the 'snagging' of Donald Trump by the deadly Coronavirus, other news seems to have gone unnoticed, and in this category is the inescapab…

Global satire hits new low because a 'One Horse Race' is so damn boring!

(NOT EDITED) Satirical TV, magazines, websites, and comedians are grovelling after being led constantly up the garden path by a person who the world is totally sick to death of, but sadly, he keeps coming back to haunt the planet. You all know who he…

Manchester United Captain Harry Maguire Now Valued At Only £80

The Premer League season may only have kicked off three weeks ago, but after a disastrous weekend for Manchester United, when they were humbled 6-1 by Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford, fans are keen to offload 'liability' central defender and captai…

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