Man Didn't Really Feel Like It Very Much Today
A man who had taken about as much as he could possibly take - and maybe even a little bit more - has said that, as far as employment matters go, he simply just could not be bothered today. "I know it sounds unprofessional," said a jaded-looking Mo…Jeffrey Toolbin to moderate final Presidential Debate
New York, NY - Tool News Service According to the news wire, Jeffrey Toolbin has been promoted by The New Yorker and appointed as the moderator for the final Presidential Debate. Jeffrey “tool†Toobin has selected Michael Jackson’s Beat It as the…Las Vegas Job Waiting For Trump After White House
With a no-kill switch or mute button at Donald Trump’s next job, (should he be willing to accept it) there's a one-hour opening act for headline performers, blasting away and slandering whomever he wishes, church, science, allies, newscasters, women,…Biden pardons son in advance of winning the presidency
CBS News has just released intimate details of a new plan by Mr. Biden, who is running for the office of President of the United States. “It is very clear I am going to win,†Mr. Biden has said, from behind a double-masked lower face. Wearing t…To all the Marxist revolutionaries - you’ve got an image problem. Here are a list of all the losing strategies in use that engender the same hatred towards you, that you have against all others: Before we get to the list, it should be noted that t…
A rape victim who dialled 911 when the man whose house she was visiting unexpectedly raped her, but got the house number wrong because she had never been there before, and was suffering from PTSD from the attack, was yesterday convicted of murder, wh…
(NOT EDITED) Belgians renowned for their superb tasting beers, BURP, have decided to give away all of it to any foreign Nutters daring to enter their wonderful country because of another lockdown. However, there are a few minor pieces of criteria…
Zoom rolls out new worry-free masturbation feature, makes pork-pulling look like note-taking
Zoom, the popular online video conferencing company, announced today a new feature with advanced artificial intelligence to let users masturbate without fussing with their camera and microphone settings, making it appear as if they are furiously tak…Toobin's Erection Stimulation Error
Jeffrey Toobin, famed legal analyst for CNN has been allowed to take time off from the job of belittling Trump to tend to “a small personal matter†says the network. The incident that sparked the trouble occurred during a CNN election show rehear…You Can't Polish A Turd But You Can Polish Where It's Been!
A top engineer that designed residential hoovers for Dyson and Henry, was shocked to discover his latest invention had been mocked and ridiculed by his peers. After a 40-year career that started with Kirby, John Edgar was without an income and almost…HOLLYWOOD â€" (Celebrity Satire) â€" Professional dancers Derek Hough and his girlfriend Hayley Erbert blew away the entire troupe of DWTS’s dancers. Bedroom Pillow Talk’s Carolina Chipotle said that it was the best dance performance she had ever seen…
The Zak-Less Dallas Cowboys Play Hapless
DALLAS â€" (Sports Satire) â€" It has been a long time since an NFL team missed a player the way the Cowboys are missing quarterback, Dak Prescott. The Cowpokes poked along at the start of the game, and kept to their habitual gameplan of taking out th…You Don't Hear Anything About Elvis Presley These Days
It's funny how, during the 1950s, 1960s, and some of the 1970s, the name of Elvis Presley was never far from anyone's lips. The singer and actor was inescapable. He recorded countless singles and albums, sang to packed houses everywhere he went, and…People Who Worship Jesus Also Worship Trump Because That’s Forking Laughable
Washington - People in the United States who say they follow the life and teachings of a man who lived 2000 years ago, and inspired his followers to be humble, kind, considerate, truthful and follow biblical laws, also have fallen in deep love with a…CRACKERHEAD, Georgia â€" (Satire News) â€" The president spoke before a totally maskless crowd of 218 supporters, who cheered his every word, including 7 times when he sneezed, and 73 times when he coughed. One front row audience member was overheard…
San Antonio Spurs Assistant Coach Becky Hammon is Being Courted For an NBA Head Coaching Job
NEW ORLEANS â€" (Sports Satire) â€" According to ESPN-4, the word out of the Big Easy is that the New Orleans Pelicans are considering Spurs assistant coach Becky Harmon for the head coach job. Pelicans owner Gayle Benson, stated that she has checked…Donald Trump To Star In Christmas Pantomime
There was great excitement amongst amateur thespians this morning when it was revealed that outgoing president, Donald Trump, has been asked to take the leading part in a major Broadway pantomime production for the New York festive season, and beyond…Suicidal Nutter jumps off Beachy Head and survives!
Ageing Jo Johnson, a 69-year-old pensioner from Erith, Kent, was so pissed off with Covid, Brexit, Manchester United losing, and Jose Mourinho's constant whingeing, he decided enough was enough. Last Sunday evening, he left his humble abode, a 4…Lara Trump Has Just Become The Meanest, Cruelest, Most Hateful Bitch in the Entire USA
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Just when millions of people thought that no one could ever be meaner, nastier, and have more hate in their heart than Donald Trump, along comes his fake, blonde-haired daughter-in-law from Hell, Lara Trump. The 38-…Megyn Kelly Insults Kamala Harris and Then Gets Her Lily-White Butt Handed to Her
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" CNN says that former television news show host Megyn Kelly is trying extremely hard to become relevant again, but she is falling flat on her frumpy, frowning face. Kelly, who once said that the tooth fairy was gay,…Justin Bieber’s Popularity Skyrockets Since His Appearance on Saturday Night Live
NEW YORK CITY â€" (Satire News) â€" Fox News is reporting that, since appearing on "Saturday Night Live", Justin Bieber's popularity has tripled. The Canadian singer’s record sales surpassed Nicki Minaj’s, Lady Gaga’s, and even the Trumpapalooza Ass K…Trump Goes to Church With Hope Hicks â€" Where The Hell is Melania?
LAS VEGAS â€" (Satire News) - The Las Vegas Roulette Gazette newspaper is reporting that the president did something that he has not done in 6 years. He actually set foot in a church. Trump attended Our Lady of The Roulette Wheel in downtown Las Veg…Pele Invites Cristiano Ronaldo To Self-Quarantine in His $14.7 Million Brazilian Mansion
SAO PAULO, Brazil â€" (Sports Satire) â€" One of the world’s most famous soccer players, Pele, recently spoke with Cristiano Ronaldo who plays with Juventus. Sports Balls Illustrated Magazine reports that Pele, who is the president of the Sao Paulo R…Kirstie Alley is Catching Hell For Saying That She’s Voting For Donald Trump
LA BREA, California â€" (Satire News) â€" Former "Cheers" star Kirstie Alley has infuriated the Hollywood celebrity community by bragging that she is going to vote for President Trump. The 69-year-old overweight ex-actress said that she likes the Pres…Conor McGregor Isn't That Hard, Says Lanky, Skinny Wretch
The former UFC featherweight and lightweight champion, mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, isn't really that hard, according to a man who knows literally nothing about the subject. McGregor has just been very lucky, claims the man. "He…Bukkake World Championships Called Off Due To Health Risk
The Coronavirus, COVID-19, has cast its shadow over normality again this evening, after the dangerous risk of spreading the virus put paid to the 2020 staging of one of the most eagerly-awaited events in the Japanese social calendar - the Bukkake Wor…Idiots Celebrated Flood By Throwing Water At Motorists
Several days of almost-incessant heavy rain that resulted in a river bursting its banks and flooding the surrounding countryside would not be the cause for celebrations in too many places, but that's what one man found at the weekend, when he tried t…John Lennon was once a spotty, young rebel rascal, and Jaggedone proves that here!
(NOT EDITED) To celebrate Lennon's 80th birthday, Jaggedone, sent one of his CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army) star paparazzi reporters, Billy Bogrolll-Beetle, into the house where John grew up and guess what he found? The original lyrics of 'Imagine…NEW YORK CITY - (Satire News) - The numbers for the television Dueling Town Hall Meetings are in, and the Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that Donald Trump got his arrogant ass kicked beyond belief. VPNA noted that Trump spent more time deflec…
Camberwick Green Is Man's All-Time Favourite TV Show
A man who rarely comments on the subject of television has come out to confess that his all-time favourite TV show was, is, and probably will always be the BBC children's animated puppet show from the 1960s, 'Camberwick Green'. Moys Kenwood, 57, c…